You want the truth? The honest real true story of my life?
It hurts. Each and every day. More than I would ever let anyone see. Why, they ask. Why don’t you show people how much it hurts?
The bruises are internal. They’re heart, head, and soul wounds. They cut the deepest because they make me truly believe I’m worth nothing, even though I appear so confident on the outside. No one sees these bruises because no one examines the heart or head first. They search for evidence, something that is tangible, something they can hold on to. But they don’t believe me when I say I was deeply wounded by those who I love, who love me. Those people in my life who I thought I could trust. It hurts and affects me each and every day of my life.”
Then people will ask, “why, why didn’t you get help earlier? Why don’t you tell someone? Why do you keep following the same footsteps?”
I would say this, “I’m not repeating history, I’m making my own. I’m deciding for myself that I can do better. Others told me all along, they told me I could find better, someone who would treat me well and with respect, but I didn’t see it at the time. ‘Why? How couldn’t you see that?’ My response is that the injuries are too deeply rooted. Not only me but in society. I chose to suppress them and channel my anger, my sadness, my anxiety, my depression, my suicidal thoughts, EVERYTHING, into other outlets. I did everything I could. I ran. I did art. I made friends, I drank, partied, smoked, let others take advantage of me in almost every way possible, until I felt like the most worthless human being on the planet. I believed at my core that I was a POS, so I deserved a piece of you know what guy to be treating me with absolutely no respect or dignity at all. People don’t understand. They try to make sense of it. You can’t make sense of a situation until you’ve lived it, until you’ve seen the same horrors and experienced them yourself, over and over.
But me? I’m fine. I’m just the girl next door. Until people start asking questions. Then it’s over. If I can’t trust that you’ll treat me better than the last, ill keep moving on until I find someone that will. I will do everything it takes. The ONLY thing I won’t do? Open up my heart again to someone who could easily break it.
Because I’m afraid. Scared. Fearful. Why am i afraid? This time? It might be the last time my heart works again. And surely one more crack in that heart and it will honestly never beat again, because it won’t want to.
This.. is how it feels to me. No one can understand from the outside looking in. All they can see is hurt and pain and anger and betrayal and frustration, but they have no idea what I’ve been through. They have no idea that I’m stronger than anyone and that each time someone is mean to me or doubts me, it makes me that much more determined to reach my goals and get through it. I could go on for hours about this but something needs to be said, someone needs to speak out against violence, against abuse, against those poor children who everyone ignores because they “seem so happy at school and all the time”. Because you never know. You never know what someone had gone through just by looking at the exterior. And that, my friends, is the journey of looking inward before you judge those around you. Always keep an open mind and remember no matter what anyone days, YOU WILL live another day and you will see yourself through it, even without a friend their to guide you (although that helps)
The girl with the wounded heart.”